Prefacing this whole thing with the fact that I’ve had a god damn rosy ass existence. Best of the best. Some people are in the 1% of wealth, I’m in the 1% of happiness. I think it’s partly chemical and partly pure luck. See: my family, friends, where I grew up, etc. That said, the last two years of my life have been the hardest. Debt. Health issues. Dead ends. Loneliness. Self doubt. Global pandemic. Everything you need for a stiff cocktail of bleh.
While reflecting on the last two years, and the 30 years leading up to them; I realized something kind of sucky about happiness. But also kind of obvious. And it’s that the path to happiness is not linear. It’s not this emoji 📈, unfortunately. It’s just that — and I’m not exaggerating — from years 0 to 30, my life was consistently on the up and up. Sure, there were set backs and heart breaks here and there, but they all felt necessary and exciting and romantic; the building blocks for the happiest me.
As I mentioned, I am chemically blessed with a disposition that leans heavily towards optimism. Some people, for instance my therapist, might also say that I use humor as a defense mechanism. To which I say: can I please just have this one thing?! But seriously, the past two years have been difficult. I’ve cried for no reason and every reason; I’ve felt out of control and not like myself; I’ve hated my job and flirted with complacency; and I almost surrendered to the idea that, eh this is just life, better get used to it. So yeah, shit has been, let’s say less good, since I turned 30. But I have a feeling (and the aforementioned serotonin levels) that all of this [*gestures broadly towards…everything*] is going to have a pretty big pay off. I trust that I’ll look back at these years from the comfort of my old age, and think, “Thank god all of those things happened to her, she was getting so boring.”
If all of this was too hard to follow, I’ve made a graph to better illustrate my point. I’ve also included a Pinterest self help quote, which sums up this entire blog in twenty words and has glitter. So, Pinterest: 1. Cheyenne: 0.